Hatin’ on Craftin’

Winter 2015

BY JILL BRUCKNER

I hate crafts. This includes anything made with torn newspaper, glue and water (that’s paper mache for you novices). Glue is for things that are broken, and broken things are for the trash. Buy new.

Further, I don’t want to make anything with pottery, spray-painted branches, Mason jars, paper towel rolls, uncooked macaroni, yarn, thread or buttons—unless I have these weird items and can bag them and give them to you. Then, you can make something for me—like a new car. I could use a new car.

That’s not all. I’m also against small stuffed people on a stick, like yard scarecrows or bunnies in overalls. Especially bunnies in overalls.

Anything crafty that resembles a “plant friend” (on a stick) is also out. Plants don’t have friends. Also, “plant friends” imply thriving foliage exists in my home. Negative on that. Those leafy greens are in your house, with your crafts.

Of course, I acknowledge being crafty is cool. Good for you cool crafters! This does not faze me, because I know NOT being crafty is SUPER cool.

To test this theory, I surveyed friends—and cruised online crafters’ hangouts (Pinterest)—for awesome uses for junk mail. Everyone has junk mail. No one keeps it…except crafters, who also keep things such as metal shavings, bits of wire and string. Apparently, crafters are secretly building birds’ nests.

As for me, I’m happy just to keep my head on straight, my hair combed and my heart in the right place. I’m also happy to keep throwing my junk mail in the trash, and am especially gleeful of this practice after learning of these crafty alternatives:

Make paper beads. Seriously? Described on wikiHow as “a great way to recycle junk mail, newspapers or magazines,” making paper beads sounds torturous. Plus, you bead makers then have to make something else—such as a necklace, lanyard or key chain. Here’s a better idea for recycling junk mail: Throw it away. Once in the garbage, junk mail travels in a special limousine (trash truck) and goes to the landfill where crafty worms and weather turn said mail into soil. Yay!

Craft a junk mail wreath. Oh my gosh, is this for real? Maybe I can add my junk mail wreath to a junk mail lanyard and wear it.

Turn junk mail envelopes inside out and sew into new envelopes. Again, I hate this idea. For those of you engaged in this task, stop immediately and buy new envelopes at Target. I’ll send you the .99 needed to purchase these novel office supplies.

Make beauty supply labels from junk mail. Hmm…if you’re labeling your beauty supplies, you have more problems than too much junk mail. You may need to read my self-help book, “Don’t Put Eggshells in Your Eyes: Tips and Tricks for Labeling” before doing anything else today, or any day, for that matter.

Build a bowl from paper strips. This activity looks almost reasonable, until, of course, you wish to serve soup or ice cream.

Sorry crafters, but I am going to continue my practice of strong dislike for crafts. Don’t let me discourage you, though. If you want my paper scraps, discarded margarine containers and empty cereal boxes, stop by my place. You’ll know you’re at my wreath-free front door when you use the hoards of neighborhood children playing in my front yard while eating processed snacks from plastic bowls. If you’re nice, the kids just might give you their candy wrappers, too.

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