Me and Mr. Sticky
BY JILL BRUCKNER
Is it just me, or is a “selfie”—a held-atarm’s- length, smart-phone photo of well, yourself—actually an “aloney?”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for documenting my fabulous life of tottering around in my car, cruising to the grocery store (woot-woot) and checkin’ my abs, (or, in my case “SLABS”—Stomach Looks Almost Beyond Squishy) in the bathroom mirror. These are all selfie-worthy moments, if you’re slabalicious and often alone, as, judging by my Facebook newsfeed, many of us are.
Take now, for example, I am alone and totally amused with myself. Here’s why: “SLABS” is a funny acronym, right? I made that up. SLABS, I mean—not the fact that it’s funny. That I did not make up. That’s for real. I should tweet “SLABS” with a selfie.
At any rate, the selfie phenomenon has me flummoxed. I don’t want to be an Instagram “insta-ham,” but I’m pretty sure I’m missing something because I’m anti-aloney. I just don’t want shots of myself, creeping on myself, alone with myself —especially if I am alone with myself with a selfie stick – that telescoping extra arm for attaching a smart phone and extending the photographic range of myself.
Seriously, that crazy stick is an eye-poker— it’s also an eye-poker that was named a “best invention” of 2014 by Time magazine. Not kidding. It shares the list with such wonderments as a working hover board and a filter for Ebola—you could totally take a selfie with these cool innovations.
Here’s my best invention: Mr. Sticky.
Essentially, it’s a regular selfie stick, but it is tied with a sassy, affordably priced scarf and sports a selfie of me.
Never mind the product name “Mr. Sticky” seems unusually common and slightly distasteful. I’m going with my gut on this, and my SLABS tell me Mr. Sticky has “winner” written all over it.
Mr. Sticky and I will have adventures. I’ll take Mr. Sticky to the park, maybe to Adventureland and likely to an outdoor concert venue. We’ll take selfies together, and I’ll caption our joyous photos with energetic remarks such as, “twinsies,” “hangin’ with my bestie” and “love this dowel.”
Of course, Mr. Sticky and I will be an Internet sensation, because we will be super tight, and we’ll constantly be posting selfies of our little selfies, which is totally leading edge and, hey, you know me, leading edge, schmeding edge, that’s what I say. Well, I say that because I’m so far out in front it’s irrelevant. I’m such an insta-ham.
To the delight of most, and possible dismay of some (like inventors of nuclear fusion reactors and those people who manipulate cells to cure diseases) Mr. Sticky will top the “best inventions” lists of multiple publications for years to come. Either that, or people will recognize Mr. Sticky as a simple dowel with a paper head and will use him to prop up their tomato plants.
Regardless, sales from Mr. Sticky will allow me to make new friends though corporate networking (or a pyramid scheme) and I’ll actually be able to take pictures with people in them, spawning a new creative venture beyond selfies, something I will call “Group Photo.” Smile and say, “cheese,” everyone, it’s going to be grand.