Just Ask Mom

News, Spring 2018

LAST LAUGH 

By ANA LYNCH

I admit it, one of my hobbies these past five years has been calling my mother regularly, presenting countless “teach me how to adult” questions. A hobby? Absolutely. I work out, I spend time with an awesome circle of family and friends, I drink wine, I write and I call my mom with questions. These are my hobbies.

If she had a dollar for every question I’ve asked, she could easily bestow this great answering honor to someone else and pay them to start answering my questions. It’d be in her best interest, really, because—Mom, if you’re reading this—I’ve got more up my sleeve.

Like this one: Why isn’t there an emergency hotline every 20-something woman can speed dial to get these questions answered? Like, ASAP.

You know, the real important inquiries, like: “I accidentally shrunk my shirt. How do I unshrink it?” or “Buddy ate 11 chocolate chip cookies…will he die?”

So, in short, major kudos to all the moms out there. If your daughter hasn’t said it already, I’ll be her voice and say it for her: Thanks, Mom, who’s not my mom! In turn, because I’m such an excellent daughter who’s not your daughter, you can get me a birthday present.

I’ll gladly meet you in a Target parking lot so I can receive said gift from you, my not-real-mom. My very-real-mom always told me not to talk to strangers. She never mentioned anything about this scenario, so it seems safe. (Actually, hold the phone…. I’ll call and ask her real quick.)

Heck, you can adopt me if you want. I wouldn’t mind the perks of having another mom. We can go shopping and you can buy me things (yay, more presents!). Go ahead, take your time mulling it over and then get back to me because I know you moms are busy being superhuman.

Here’s what I don’t understand. In school, we’re required to learn about things like fractions and how to use an atlas (try and hand me one of these and I’ll hand it right back). So, here’s another question (surprise): Why wasn’t Adulting 101 ever offered?

In the meantime, while I retrieve the answer to that question from my mom, here’s a scenario in how Adulting 101 could help us daughters get quick answers, without having to constantly contact our moms with questions like: “How do you get a wine stain out of carpet?”

Scenario #1: Recently, I got my first gray hair. Then another one, and then one more. These babies seem to be sprouting up overnight! So, Mom, when should I start coloring my hair? If I pull it out, do they multiply?”

Had I been equipped with the right knowledge, specifically from the About Gray Hairs: Freak Out, Pull it Out or Grow it Out lesson taught in my make-believe Adulting 101 course, I wouldn’t have needed to text my mother. But I did—with many questions.

Then again, a course like this would only take away from the beauty of a mother-daughter relationship. So, don’t worry mom, I’ll keep the questions coming. W

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