Flavored Water Really Whets My Appetite

News, Summer 2017

LAST LAUGH BY JILL BRUCKNER

I am in love with the flavored-water fad. Here’s why: Coffee is flavored water. Soda-pop is flavored water. For the nearly 70 percent of you who drink alcohol at least once a year, good news: Alcohol is flavored water. Pretty much all beverages are flavored water! Isn’t that fantastic? I never knew simply changing my perspective – and my language – could make liquids equal parts chic, healthful and fabulously refreshing. This is awesome!

What’s more, until recently, I believed drinks made from fruit were “juice.” Silly me! Juice is for kiddos and people who want cavities. According to Prevention magazine, what we really want is “flat belly sassy water”—not juice, but made from fruit. First, I want a “sassy” belly. You know, one that says, “Hey friends, my stretchmarks from four babies actually spell the word “feisty.” Second, I want to achieve my feisty belly by consuming popsicles, which are actually spunky, flavored frozen water.

 Prevention further suggests making your own flavored water at home. That’s so weird. Why would I do that when I can buy yummy water in cans marked “Mountain Dew” or bottles from super-cool companies (Starbucks!) that infuse their water with coffee and name the resultant beverages “Berry Prickly Pear Frappuccino” or “Caramel Cocoa Cluster Frappuccino?” My sassy belly loves caramel and cocoa in clusters—and in coffee-water. Life is so, so good.

Plus, my body—just like yours—is about 60 percent water. We’re so alike, you and I. Let’s be friends! I don’t know about you, my friend, but I’m carrying that 60percent right around my middle, and, phew, there’s nothing I can do about it, because, if my important 60-percent-water weight drops, I will be dehydrated, and that is bad. I mean, I could pass out or something.

Speaking of which, I do NOT want to pass out from anything—including surprise. So, don’t spray me with your hose-flavored water from the backyard, because will chase you like an angry water buffalo (which would probably trend nicely on YouTube).

The truth is, more than staying hydrated, I want a hair product that holds up when it gets wet, I mean super-soaked, like a swimmer in a team triathlon emerging from an Amazon river (apparently, my hair and I have great adventures). I want hair that’s bigger than the next big idea on Shark Tank and more touchable than a Pashmina scarf from a New York street vendor. I want hair that fights crime and writes traffic tickets (because, my hair has a career).

So, as a side hustle, my hair and I (along with a group of genius friends who actually invented this program in their minds) are going to launch a YouTube series titled, “Run from It.” Each episode, I’ll run from something, but that something is an astonishing surprise (and you, my friend, know how I loathe surprises).

This clever show’s bad surprise might be a baby elephant, or a monster or a landslide. Regardless, the entire, gripping saga is just Jill, screaming and running from danger—mouth agape and limbs akimbo (Jill that is, not danger). Of course, the production will be horrific and astounding at once, and I will become very, very thirsty as a result.

Here’s where the beauty of the program comes in: “Run from it” will be sponsored by ALL of the flavored-water companies (except those that produce natural flavors, like “burlap” or “damp earth”). This means I will have an endless supply of beverages and —no surprise the drinks will always be on me. W

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