LAST LAUGH: Slowdown-ba

News, Summer 2016


Some things make me laugh. OK, most things give me the giggles, because let’s face it, life is funny. But what really gets me going these days is Zumba.

From what I can see, you sassy, super-svelte Zumba-ites love to exer-dance. As for me, I want something more…that’s less.

Introducing, Slowdown-ba! A sport for the movement-mediocre (a charge I would lead if I weren’t so committed to, well, mediocrity).

First, allow me to break down Zumba, at least as I understand it.
1. It’s bad. Okay, that’s it. Now, onto my invention, Slowdown-ba.

Slowdown-ba is the only known alternative to the “dance sensation,” Zumba. If I’m going to experience any kind of a “sensation,” it’s not going to involve dance. For example, the sensation of that cozy blanket on the couch is worthwhile, as is the sensation of poking down a couple of chicken legs and some country-style potato salad (because any kind of salad is better with mayo and spuds). Oh, and fireflies, I like those. Not to eat, just in general…but I digress.

For those of you who “Zumba like a boss” (I’m pretty sure “Zumba” is both a noun and a verb), you already know this rigorous group activity promises an increased “after-burn.” Who wants after-burn? I say no fire, before or after. Fire is bad, and not any fun at all, and smoke can result in serious diseases later in life, for which you’ll have to do stupid Zumba.

Instead, avoid burning altogether with Slowdown-ba.

Also, for those Zumba experts (and I’m talking about you fancy dancers who suggest Zumba reduces dementia), I say, “Forget that!” I am planning on never doing Zumba, and, rather, simply having my relatives (if I remember them) convince me later in life that I was a Zumba instructor. I think I’d like that.

Zumba, some say, also reduces symptoms of “serious diseases.” Ha! I plan on having only funny diseases, so I’m not too worried about skipping the Zumba workout and reducing those cranky health challenges.

Zumba is sounding more and more dangerous the longer I consider launching my spectacular Slowdown-ba movement.

So having outlined the characteristics of Zumba, I’ll do the same for the AMAZING Slowdown-ba.
1. Slowdown-ba is great!
2. The only necessary Slowdown-ba gear is jammies. You’ll slip these on when you arrive at the giant, mattress-shaped “studio.”
3. To perform the signature Slowdown-ba move, lie on your back with your arms at your sides. Need a visual? You are capital letter I, sanserif—don’t move. Letter
I is static. Remember, stay still in order to avoid dangerous “after-burn.”
4. If you’re feeling drowsy, perk things up a bit by leaning over and gently waking your neighbor. Don’t get too crazy, just whisper something like, “Hey, I like your jammies.” Or, “Nice form on Sanserif ‘I.’”

The good thing about Slowdown-ba is you can do it at home, and you can post your progress on Instagram—you know, a picture of you lying prone, maybe eating a candy bar, “just gained five pounds in the letter I position!”


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