‘Bedazzler’ Makes Fashion Comeback

Winter 2013
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BY JILL BRUCKNER

I am not a fashionista. Sure, I might be a worry-ista, or even a procrastin-ista (I work better under pressure), but the fine art of fashion escapes me. That’s why my snappy wardrobe palette consists of black, light black (gray), the absence of black (white) and beige (which looks great with black).

Take me shopping and I’ll grudgingly try on a frock with a festive flair. I might even like the flashy garment. Trouble is, I won’t like the way my head looks coming out of it. While your head might be just fine with pretty much any garb, I look like a circus clown. Not that there’s anything wrong with clowns – except clowns don’t wear black (which, incidentally, would be slimming).

You can imagine my reaction, then, to the resurfacing of the Bedazzler — a gadget originally introduced in the 1970s that secures rhinestones and studs to the garment of your choice. The Bedazzler was rated No. 100 in the Top 100 Gadgets of all time, according to the now defunct Mobile PC Magazine.

While the magazine didn’t survive, the Bedazzler is alive and well. To this I say, “Hmmm…I must learn more about this interesting, do-it-yourself-tool in order to adequately critique (make fun of) it.” Sorry Bedazzler inventor, I know you thought you’d win me over with your flash and pizzazz, but no such luck.

Even more unsettling is the proliferation of pre-bedazzled jeans. If you’ve seen these, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re wearing these now, you’d better sit down.

Why is it OK to bedazzle the back pockets of standard dungarees? (That’s old-school for “denim trousers.” I know this because I have a thesaurus, which is old-school for, well, “thesaurus”).

From jeans with bling to pockets that zing, the backsides of otherwise serious women’s attire are bedecked with crosses, crowns, horseshoes, stars, butterflies and bird wings.

Yes, I know this fashion-forward-flipside trend has been bouncing around since 2005. I’ve just had a lot of pressing nonsensical topics to ponder in the past eight years. This means poking fun at flashy pockets has taken a backseat. After all, I am a procrastin-ista.

At any rate, thanks to the Bedazzler, we can all work full time, take care of our families, mentor our colleagues, engage in philanthropic activities AND unwind by meticulously punching rhinestones in creative patterns on our jeans.

But that’s not all! You and your friends can bejewel your fave fashions together. Fun, right? Imagine seeing your best friend’s smile in the reflection of the studs on your jeans. Pure bliss! It’s like scrapbooking for pants.

I do wonder, though, if too many sparkles are a hindrance. For example, do the glitter-happy trigger those walk-through, airline metal-detectors? Also, if you and your shiny pants are seated in a booth at Applebee’s, will your posterior shred the upholstery?

Furthermore, is it possible to actually relax in bedazzled pants, or do the nation’s flashy-pants lovers prefer to get their gleam on by standing and rotating to catch the light?

Ahh, so many opportunities for discussion. As for you men, sorry, no rhinestones and studs for you. Stick to khakis, which look spectacular with — you guessed it — black.

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